I love him.

I'll never understand how people can't believe in the unknown. Hold on, let me rephrase that. I can't understand how people can live each day, not believing that there's something else out there, something that's so much bigger than us. I believe in fairies and magic, dragons; parallel universes, time travel and true love and all manner of such unscientific stuff. How can you not? Maybe that's the reason I'll never grow up. Or maybe I won't grow up because I don't want of let go of anything that I can pretend will take me away from here. My friends say I watch too much Doctor Who. It's probably true, since I've been thinking about it all more and more since I started watching it. When you look past the glaringly apparent fiction, it's the most real thing I've seen in months, years even. Was that intentional? I have to imagine it was, because this show has been running since the sixties and people still absolutely adore it (myself included). Maybe because it does have, underneath the aliens and adventures and time travel, completely human undertones. I wish I had a chance to test my courage. Nothing interesting ever happens to me, and even if it did, it wouldn’t be the right sort of adventure.

It's ridiculous how much I've realized about myself through facebook. Those stupid facebooks groups I've joined are usually dead on; I suppose when you're at a place with thousands of them, you're bound to find one that fits you. It's more than that though; it's just amusing to see how many other people feel the same way. I'll join some useless group and then really think about it and realize that it's me exactly. I really do think y life would be better with background music; I even hear it in the back of my head sometimes when I'm in a tennis match or baking cookies. Aside from the obvious fact that this is pathetic even for my standards, it's so strange to find that someone else had the idea before I did and that other people...I don't know. It's just funny that our quirks us bringing us together in universal/technological sort of way.

I had another dream about him last night. I was in the school parking lot and was putting stuff in my car and getting ready to either drive or walk up to the field. There were hundreds of kids milling about in front of the school and as I watched, a friend of mine who’s in college now detached himself from the crowd and lo and behold, you know who appeared next to him. Upon seeing me, a brilliant smile broke out across his face and he yelled my name, before running to me. Just like always, I met him halfway and we collided in a hug. He lifted me off the ground and I remember kissing his cheek, and him kissing my hair as he set me down. To be honest, he looked completely absurd. His red hair was long, like a mullet, but slightly curly and he’d gained a bit of weight, but I was overjoyed as usual merely to be in his presence. We walked up to the field just as I would have but I had to quicken my step to keep up; he was walking to fast for me. We talked about nothing, and then my phone rang. It was my cousin and she was asking where I was. I was supposed to be at the movies with her and everyone else; I had forgotten or blown her off. I wasn’t about to leave. My mom was sitting in the bleachers, and she greeted my companion when we got there, since that’s where we were headed. Whatever I had to bring to the field was large, so I had to drive. It seemed like she was implying that I drive my friend down to the school, but I was confused, since it’s very uncharacteristic of my mom to allow me to do such things so soon after getting my license. I think that may have been the tail end of things, because the only thing I remember after that was being at the movies. That was a whole different dream. Some of it was frightening, but I can hardly remember anything; just a vague sense of discomfort. I was another place too, now that I think about it, somewhere with a boat… an island? It’s so difficult to remember dreams once you’ve gotten along with your day. They’re such fantastic creatures though, dreams. Imagine! Whole adventures while you’re sleeping! Never a dull moment when you’re human; anything really. For all we know, trees and fish dream also. 

I certainly hope they don't deam about people who refuse to call them back, or being late for important dates.

For everything action, there is an equal or opposite reaction. Sometimes, this simple logic is forgotten in the larger scheme of things. But it never stops being true. I guess that’s a rather roundabout way of explaining the laws of the Universe, but it’s as close as I can get. My point however has more to do with universal balance, the fact that for all good things, there are bad things that are bound to happen to keep the scales equal.  Unfortunately, all too often, the worst things happen to the best people in our lives.

I went to a party tonight that was part graduation party and part going away party (although he’s going to a local school). I had a lovely time, despite the mosquitoes that often accompany any sort of outdoor fandango. I find that there’s always something about the families of others that soothes me. My cousin was getting bored after a few hours, but I was content just to sit and converse with my friend’s future roommate and one of his cousins, while watching some of the younger members of his family play badminton. Times like these make me a little jealous that my family isn’t as large or close or just seemingly as happy, but feelings like those don’t last. More often than not, I find myself picturing an older me, meeting the large, jovial family of an anonymous young man at some late summer barbeque. It’s times like these that I know, eventually, that no matter how I protest, I’ll have a family of my own. But I digress. The man of the hour was not someone I would call an extremely close friend, we only just met this past year, perhaps late last year at the very earliest. But somewhere between Science Olympiad, Morning Choir, and Senior Prom (he asked me, a junior), I began to feel the effects of a full-blown, brain-dropping-out, word-scattering, girly crush. I can’t remember ever sounding so stupid except around my first boyfriend in middle school. When he called me to ask if I’d like to go to his senior prom with him, I just about peed my pants. In reality, I calmly responded that I would love to, and that I would talk to him later. Then I hung up and jumped around my room (as best I could in my ankle brace, being it the day I fell down the stairs at school and sprained my ankle), singing at the top of my lungs. I like to think I’ve calmed down a bit, but at the same time, I’m worried that I’ve calmed down TOO much, meaning that it was just a passing thing. I have a lovely time with him anyway, so maybe I’ve just resigned myself to the fact that he’s too shy to ever ask me out. Whatever. I’m not even going there tonight. In any case, the party was great and I was disappointed to have to leave so early, but my cousin had to be home to let her younger sister in. The actual process of leaving took a while. The grad and his mother both asked me to come visit him and his school, and his mother invited me to come with her anytime she goes to visit him and even to go ahead on my own, now that I have my license. My cousin thinks that she aimes me very much. The grad told me that we have to keep in touch and for me to call whenever I want, which made me smile. But per usual, I had to overanalyze everything and now I wonder if that was really him saying he wanted to stay in touch with me, or just his impeccable manners reciting what a good grad would say to anyone he wasn’t going to be seeing on a daily basis. Those kinds of thoughts inevitably lead to feeling which is anywhere but where I want to go right now.

When I got home, I out my phone on its charger, only to pick it up a second later and watch as what I assumed to be a wrong number turn into a missed call, then just as quickly reappear as an incoming call. I answered this time, and through a lot of static and shuffling sounds, I managed to hear one of my best friends relay to me that his uncle had died. This boy has been a piece of my life since I met him 10 years ago. To say he is my world isn’t very far off the mark. I love him unconditionally, and would do anything for him, almost. Mostly, I just settle for hitting him. Although he is a huge part of my world, that part is sort of a big black hole. Anything that gets too close gets sucked in and is never the same when it comes back out. Almost all of his middle school and high school girlfriends were people he met through me, and his current best gal pal is my neighbor, who I introduced him to last year, an act which I regret terrifically every morning that I wake up. If I have to see them holding hands one more time, I think I my just bash my head in with my saxophone case. Or his. Because of him, I learned what growing up and responsibility is really about. I know that he isn’t good for me, and I know that I need to stay way from him. I don’t feel nervous around him like I would if it were a crush. I don’t know why, but I have a few pretty good guesses. I’ve always assumed it was just because I love him, and there’s no reason to be all newlywed about it. It’s just us. And the second reason is because he doesn’t love me. He never really has. He almost uses me, just because he knows I love him completely. I say almost because deep down, I really don’t think he has the capacity to use someone. He’s just a regular teenage guy. And he’s a great teenage guy, which is why I will never understand why members of his family keep dying. I know that sounds terribly blunt, but it’s true. I hate seeing him hurt, and I feel like it happens so often.

But like many things, this too is out of my control. And this too shall pass. Bonne nuit, cyberspace.